It finally felt like fall (unlike this freeze-warning bullshit that's been going on) and I was soaking it up on my walk with Bruiser this evening. Then I heard this off-key whistling, I think you know who that is. She came out of nowhere! Or maybe the side of the building, I don't know. Anyways, it was our dearest Grapefruit with Mr. L, who is the cutest little man who lives two doors down from me. He is precious and I want to hug him and have him make me lemonade and sit on his porch and listen to his war stories. That kind of cute.
We make the normal exciting neighbor talk ("The weather's great!" "They replaced the roofs on the condos across the street!"), and then Grapefruit tells me her dog is ill. I think she said this because he was running like hell from my dog who was trying to sniff his ass and she was trying to make me feel better about the rejection. Being the dork (nosey) person I am, I asked what was wrong.
G: Well he's got this raspy little cough.
Me: Did you take him to the vet?
G: Yes, they gave me medicine but I can't give it to him.
Me: Is it liquid or pills?
G: Liquid.
Me: Have you tried putting it in his food?
G: He won't let me.
Me: Oh, um, ok. Have you tried a dropper?
G: He's too strong. (The dog is about 12 lbs. and is 14 years old)
Me: Well Grapefruit your dog is fucked. (Just kidding!)
Grapefruit and Mr. L then began telling me about the previous people who occupied my home. They apparently rented from the person I bought from, and sounded like a lot of fun. For instance, one evening, the man who lived here got drunk and broke into several people's homes thinking they were his. This makes me feel like the Angel Neighbor.
To add more fun to the Previous Neighbors Game, Grapefruit and Mr. L then told me all about the people in my row of condos (there's 6 to a row) who used to live here. And died here. And they told me what order they died in. Which is information I did not really need to know. (Mine died 5 years ago, FYI.)
Grapefruit also said she is still planning on moving in December. I better get in more quality time!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Bye Bye Grapefruit?
When I got home from work the other night, Grapefruit and her friend were sitting in her carport. (I have yet to understand why all of the old people in my neighborhood enjoy sitting in their carports- I prefer my patio). I tried to go from my car to house as quickly as possible, but right when I opened the patio gate, Grapefruit said "Come meet my friend!". I was introduced to Louise, who is older then Grapefruit and who also lives in my 'hood.
Grapefruit asked "Do you know anyone who is looking to buy a condo?". I told her no, thinking she was trying to help Louise sell hers. But no.
"I think I am going to move so I will be putting my place up for sale" Grapefruit said.
Honestly, the first thought I had was how to continue the blog without its star. Not possible.
She went on to tell me about how she wanted to move closer to her daughter and into a 1 story condo. After some prodding, I found out her daughter lives 2 exits up on the interstate. I find it hard not to take her moving personal.
In my brightest fake smile, I tell her how sad I will be to lose such a great neighbor. This thrills G-Fruit, and she blushes and laughs. To comfort me, she assures me "I'll be here all the time! My church is right up the road so I can come visit a couple times a week!".
Hooray.
Grapefruit asked "Do you know anyone who is looking to buy a condo?". I told her no, thinking she was trying to help Louise sell hers. But no.
"I think I am going to move so I will be putting my place up for sale" Grapefruit said.
Honestly, the first thought I had was how to continue the blog without its star. Not possible.
She went on to tell me about how she wanted to move closer to her daughter and into a 1 story condo. After some prodding, I found out her daughter lives 2 exits up on the interstate. I find it hard not to take her moving personal.
In my brightest fake smile, I tell her how sad I will be to lose such a great neighbor. This thrills G-Fruit, and she blushes and laughs. To comfort me, she assures me "I'll be here all the time! My church is right up the road so I can come visit a couple times a week!".
Hooray.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
As We Should
After work one day last week, Grapefruit pounced on me. I had just pulled into my carport, and she waited in hers, head cocked and staring straight at me. As soon as I opened the door, she was beside me.
"Look, my CD is here!" Grapefruit thrust a CD case into my face. (she did not make any motions to actually hand it to me)
And there it was. The mystical CD. The cover art is pretty much what I expected. Grapefruit is smiling and holding a flower to her face. The rest of the cover is different shades of green, representing a leafy-like watercolor. I believe I did something similar in preschool.
Grapefruit then opened the CD. Like any proud artist, she had the lyrics to each of her songs inside. Every other page there was a new picture of Grapefruit, holding different flowers or branches or what have you.
After I made it safely into my house, I immediately called Ebeth, and we began scouring the Internet for a place where we could buy this treasure. We could not find it anywhere. When even Amazon doesn't sell a product, you know you're S.O.L.
A couple of days ago, my friend Jerry came over. He knows of the Grapefruit. I was on the phone with him when he was pulling up.
"Hey, I'm here, I'm pulling into your carport. There's Grapefruit. She's just staring at me."
"Yeah, she likes to stare. Just stare back. Or run."
"Nah, I'm gonna talk to her." And then he hung up the phone on me. For G-Fruit.
By the time I made it outside, Grapefruit and Jerry were best friends forever. They were side by side, looking at her CD artwork, talking and laughing, with Jerry occasionally throwing out a "Look at you girl!".
Grapefruit began explaining to Jerry how her CD was in Portuguese and English.
"My parents were missionaries so I grew up there. Then they wanted me to make a CD. You know, just singing the good Lord's praises. As we should."
"You go ahead, girl!"
Really?
"Look, my CD is here!" Grapefruit thrust a CD case into my face. (she did not make any motions to actually hand it to me)
And there it was. The mystical CD. The cover art is pretty much what I expected. Grapefruit is smiling and holding a flower to her face. The rest of the cover is different shades of green, representing a leafy-like watercolor. I believe I did something similar in preschool.
Grapefruit then opened the CD. Like any proud artist, she had the lyrics to each of her songs inside. Every other page there was a new picture of Grapefruit, holding different flowers or branches or what have you.
After I made it safely into my house, I immediately called Ebeth, and we began scouring the Internet for a place where we could buy this treasure. We could not find it anywhere. When even Amazon doesn't sell a product, you know you're S.O.L.
A couple of days ago, my friend Jerry came over. He knows of the Grapefruit. I was on the phone with him when he was pulling up.
"Hey, I'm here, I'm pulling into your carport. There's Grapefruit. She's just staring at me."
"Yeah, she likes to stare. Just stare back. Or run."
"Nah, I'm gonna talk to her." And then he hung up the phone on me. For G-Fruit.
By the time I made it outside, Grapefruit and Jerry were best friends forever. They were side by side, looking at her CD artwork, talking and laughing, with Jerry occasionally throwing out a "Look at you girl!".
Grapefruit began explaining to Jerry how her CD was in Portuguese and English.
"My parents were missionaries so I grew up there. Then they wanted me to make a CD. You know, just singing the good Lord's praises. As we should."
"You go ahead, girl!"
Really?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Shit My Grapefruit Says
Lately, I have had random, brief encounters with Grapefruit. I decided to put these moments together, as to not disappoint my thousands of followers. You're welcome.
Grapefruit on the random rooster we can hear from the neighborhood behind us:
"It probably belongs to Mexicans."
Grapefruit on her husband passing away and me expressing my sympathy:
"It doesn't matter, he died 15 years ago."
Grapefruit on trying to con me into going to her mega church:
"I bet you like rodeos."
Grapefruit on taking out the trash:
"Look at me, I'm a trash lady!"
Grapefruit on her side business:
"I have some golf umbrellas in the back of my car for sale. I can fit 4 people under one."
Grapefruit on the random rooster we can hear from the neighborhood behind us:
"It probably belongs to Mexicans."
Grapefruit on her husband passing away and me expressing my sympathy:
"It doesn't matter, he died 15 years ago."
Grapefruit on trying to con me into going to her mega church:
"I bet you like rodeos."
Grapefruit on taking out the trash:
"Look at me, I'm a trash lady!"
Grapefruit on her side business:
"I have some golf umbrellas in the back of my car for sale. I can fit 4 people under one."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Walking Boot
I went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and was fitted with a walking boot and told I no longer have to use the crutches. I was ecstatic. I spent my entire 3 day 4th of July weekend on the couch, and I couldn't wait to be able to get out of the house and do stuff again.
I pulled into my carport just as Grapefruit was unloading groceries from her car. Let me just remind everyone Grapefruit has not seen me since before I broke my foot. When Grapefruit saw me she froze and just stared at me. I got out of the car and said hello.
"Hi Amanda. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, much better, especially now that I have this walking boot."
"Well, it sure is nice to see you driving again."
Really? I drove to work everyday last week. Oh, and I drove myself to the ER and home when I broke it. I have been driving the entire time. So, I told her thanks, I was glad I could drive again, too.
"It must be much easier getting around and doing things now" says Grapefruit.
"Yes, I hated those crutches. The animals were terrified of them!" I tell her with a laugh.
Grapefruit nods her head, and says in her most serious voice "I bet they were."
I am always baffled by her strangeness, so I have learned to ignore it and go on with what I was doing. I started getting the crutches out of my passenger side door.
"Do you need help carrying those crutches?" asks Grapefruit.
"No, I think I got them. Thanks. Have a good night."
"Why thank you, I will! You do the same."
You bet, Grapefruit. Freak.
I pulled into my carport just as Grapefruit was unloading groceries from her car. Let me just remind everyone Grapefruit has not seen me since before I broke my foot. When Grapefruit saw me she froze and just stared at me. I got out of the car and said hello.
"Hi Amanda. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, much better, especially now that I have this walking boot."
"Well, it sure is nice to see you driving again."
Really? I drove to work everyday last week. Oh, and I drove myself to the ER and home when I broke it. I have been driving the entire time. So, I told her thanks, I was glad I could drive again, too.
"It must be much easier getting around and doing things now" says Grapefruit.
"Yes, I hated those crutches. The animals were terrified of them!" I tell her with a laugh.
Grapefruit nods her head, and says in her most serious voice "I bet they were."
I am always baffled by her strangeness, so I have learned to ignore it and go on with what I was doing. I started getting the crutches out of my passenger side door.
"Do you need help carrying those crutches?" asks Grapefruit.
"No, I think I got them. Thanks. Have a good night."
"Why thank you, I will! You do the same."
You bet, Grapefruit. Freak.
Wild Animals in the Night
With crutches, you really learn to adapt. I have been letting my dog out the front door. I close the glass door, and stand in my foyer leaning on my crutches and holding his leash. This has worked fine during my injury.
One week after my injury, Ebeth came over to watch reality TV with me. When she left, I went to walk Bruiser. It was about 10:30pm and pretty dark. I did my routine to let him out, and he pulled over towards Grapefruit's yard. I let him pee there, but planned to pull him away if he started to shit (honest). Sure enough, I needed to pull him away. When I did, Bruiser managed to wrap his leash around one of Grapefruit's many decorative statues on her front porch and knock it over. It went flying and landed in 3 pieces directly in the center of our porches. I panicked and got Bruiser inside. I couldn't pick it up due to my temporary handicap. I notice this particular piece of art was plastic, and therefore not broken, just...not assembled. And laying 4 feet from its usual home.
The first thing I did when I got inside was to call Ebeth. She suggested I turn off my lights and act like I am not home. She also told me that maybe Grapefruit would think it was a wild animal.
The next morning, I was sitting on my couch in front of the window, when Grapefruit emerged. She walked over to crime scene and then just stood there and stared at it for 5 minutes. I texted Ebeth. She told me to maintain that no one was home. Grapefruit staring at the statue was creepy. It reminded me of the scene from Paranormal Activity where the girl gets out of bed and just stares at her husband for hours. Yikes. Next, Grapefruit assembles the statue and begins walking up and down the street looking for the culprit in people's yards. I guess she didn't have much luck, because she returned home after another 5 minutes.
In the days since this incident, I have noticed Grapefruit is taking precautions to ensure no other lawn art gets attacked. She is now leaving on her front, back, and carport lights all night, which she didn't do before. It's like she feels she was the victim of an old-person hate crime. And in my heart, I know if it was any other neighbor but her I would have knocked on the door and told them what had happened. For some reason, because it was Grapefruit, I see no reason for an explanation. I will let her to continue to imagine the terrors in the night, with a thirst for yard art.
One week after my injury, Ebeth came over to watch reality TV with me. When she left, I went to walk Bruiser. It was about 10:30pm and pretty dark. I did my routine to let him out, and he pulled over towards Grapefruit's yard. I let him pee there, but planned to pull him away if he started to shit (honest). Sure enough, I needed to pull him away. When I did, Bruiser managed to wrap his leash around one of Grapefruit's many decorative statues on her front porch and knock it over. It went flying and landed in 3 pieces directly in the center of our porches. I panicked and got Bruiser inside. I couldn't pick it up due to my temporary handicap. I notice this particular piece of art was plastic, and therefore not broken, just...not assembled. And laying 4 feet from its usual home.
The first thing I did when I got inside was to call Ebeth. She suggested I turn off my lights and act like I am not home. She also told me that maybe Grapefruit would think it was a wild animal.
The next morning, I was sitting on my couch in front of the window, when Grapefruit emerged. She walked over to crime scene and then just stood there and stared at it for 5 minutes. I texted Ebeth. She told me to maintain that no one was home. Grapefruit staring at the statue was creepy. It reminded me of the scene from Paranormal Activity where the girl gets out of bed and just stares at her husband for hours. Yikes. Next, Grapefruit assembles the statue and begins walking up and down the street looking for the culprit in people's yards. I guess she didn't have much luck, because she returned home after another 5 minutes.
In the days since this incident, I have noticed Grapefruit is taking precautions to ensure no other lawn art gets attacked. She is now leaving on her front, back, and carport lights all night, which she didn't do before. It's like she feels she was the victim of an old-person hate crime. And in my heart, I know if it was any other neighbor but her I would have knocked on the door and told them what had happened. For some reason, because it was Grapefruit, I see no reason for an explanation. I will let her to continue to imagine the terrors in the night, with a thirst for yard art.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
No Home Baked Goods for Me
I have to set the back story of this first. This past week was my birthday week. To finish off the week, the day before my party at my house, I broke my foot and am now in crutches. Before the incident, Ebeth kept telling me she hoped that at my party we would run into Grapefruit. Our plan was to sit on my back patio and drink beer and wait her out, then when we heard her, we were going to pounce. The broken leg put a damper on that idea.
So this past Sunday morning, the day after my little party (where I got to sit on the couch with my leg propped up all night), my dog needed to go out. Due to my temporary handicap, I have to let him out the front door. Ebeth asked if I needed her to take him out, and I assured her I could do it and needed practice. I opened the front door and saw Grapefruit's dog. I think I said "Shit", because the next thing I knew Ebeth was right beside me asking me who's dog it was. I told her it was Grapefruit's, and she nearly knocked me off my crutches getting the leash out of my hands.
Ebeth ran Bruiser outside. I watched for a moment from the front door then got scared Grapefruit would see me so I hobbled to the couch. Ebeth described the magical meeting to me over breakfast.
Grapefruit began talking to Ebeth through the glass door. She said the only thing she could make out was something like "don't worry, I am watching him", talking about her dog roaming free. Grapefruit continued talking to Ebeth, and she said she just smiled, nodded, and laughed, but didn't understand. Grapefruit finally came out of the front door and asked Ebeth if she was my sister. Ebeth told her no, she was a friend and was helping me out because I broke my foot.
"Amanda didn't tell me she broke her foot!" said a very surprised Grapefruit.
She made this sound like we chat on the phone everyday. I see her every once in awhile. If I had seen her, she obviously would have noticed my crutches and wrapped foot.
Ebeth assured her it had just happened a couple of days before. Grapefruit began telling her how nice it was for her to help me out. Little did she know, Ebeth nearly knocked my ass to the ground in an attempt to see her.
Over breakfast, my sister and Ebeth also tried to convince me that Grapefruit was going to start coming to check on me, bake me cookies, etc. I told them this was absolutely not going to happen- Grapefruit is very stuck in her own world, and is too busy pretending she is a recording artist. Hell, she probably doesn't even remember she was told I broke my foot. It has been almost 3 days since Ebeth met Grapefruit, and just as I said, she has not tried to check on me or bring me Grapefruit salad or anything. Don't worry about me Grapefruit, I'll be just fine.
So this past Sunday morning, the day after my little party (where I got to sit on the couch with my leg propped up all night), my dog needed to go out. Due to my temporary handicap, I have to let him out the front door. Ebeth asked if I needed her to take him out, and I assured her I could do it and needed practice. I opened the front door and saw Grapefruit's dog. I think I said "Shit", because the next thing I knew Ebeth was right beside me asking me who's dog it was. I told her it was Grapefruit's, and she nearly knocked me off my crutches getting the leash out of my hands.
Ebeth ran Bruiser outside. I watched for a moment from the front door then got scared Grapefruit would see me so I hobbled to the couch. Ebeth described the magical meeting to me over breakfast.
Grapefruit began talking to Ebeth through the glass door. She said the only thing she could make out was something like "don't worry, I am watching him", talking about her dog roaming free. Grapefruit continued talking to Ebeth, and she said she just smiled, nodded, and laughed, but didn't understand. Grapefruit finally came out of the front door and asked Ebeth if she was my sister. Ebeth told her no, she was a friend and was helping me out because I broke my foot.
"Amanda didn't tell me she broke her foot!" said a very surprised Grapefruit.
She made this sound like we chat on the phone everyday. I see her every once in awhile. If I had seen her, she obviously would have noticed my crutches and wrapped foot.
Ebeth assured her it had just happened a couple of days before. Grapefruit began telling her how nice it was for her to help me out. Little did she know, Ebeth nearly knocked my ass to the ground in an attempt to see her.
Over breakfast, my sister and Ebeth also tried to convince me that Grapefruit was going to start coming to check on me, bake me cookies, etc. I told them this was absolutely not going to happen- Grapefruit is very stuck in her own world, and is too busy pretending she is a recording artist. Hell, she probably doesn't even remember she was told I broke my foot. It has been almost 3 days since Ebeth met Grapefruit, and just as I said, she has not tried to check on me or bring me Grapefruit salad or anything. Don't worry about me Grapefruit, I'll be just fine.
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