Lately, I have had random, brief encounters with Grapefruit. I decided to put these moments together, as to not disappoint my thousands of followers. You're welcome.
Grapefruit on the random rooster we can hear from the neighborhood behind us:
"It probably belongs to Mexicans."
Grapefruit on her husband passing away and me expressing my sympathy:
"It doesn't matter, he died 15 years ago."
Grapefruit on trying to con me into going to her mega church:
"I bet you like rodeos."
Grapefruit on taking out the trash:
"Look at me, I'm a trash lady!"
Grapefruit on her side business:
"I have some golf umbrellas in the back of my car for sale. I can fit 4 people under one."
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Walking Boot
I went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and was fitted with a walking boot and told I no longer have to use the crutches. I was ecstatic. I spent my entire 3 day 4th of July weekend on the couch, and I couldn't wait to be able to get out of the house and do stuff again.
I pulled into my carport just as Grapefruit was unloading groceries from her car. Let me just remind everyone Grapefruit has not seen me since before I broke my foot. When Grapefruit saw me she froze and just stared at me. I got out of the car and said hello.
"Hi Amanda. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, much better, especially now that I have this walking boot."
"Well, it sure is nice to see you driving again."
Really? I drove to work everyday last week. Oh, and I drove myself to the ER and home when I broke it. I have been driving the entire time. So, I told her thanks, I was glad I could drive again, too.
"It must be much easier getting around and doing things now" says Grapefruit.
"Yes, I hated those crutches. The animals were terrified of them!" I tell her with a laugh.
Grapefruit nods her head, and says in her most serious voice "I bet they were."
I am always baffled by her strangeness, so I have learned to ignore it and go on with what I was doing. I started getting the crutches out of my passenger side door.
"Do you need help carrying those crutches?" asks Grapefruit.
"No, I think I got them. Thanks. Have a good night."
"Why thank you, I will! You do the same."
You bet, Grapefruit. Freak.
I pulled into my carport just as Grapefruit was unloading groceries from her car. Let me just remind everyone Grapefruit has not seen me since before I broke my foot. When Grapefruit saw me she froze and just stared at me. I got out of the car and said hello.
"Hi Amanda. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, much better, especially now that I have this walking boot."
"Well, it sure is nice to see you driving again."
Really? I drove to work everyday last week. Oh, and I drove myself to the ER and home when I broke it. I have been driving the entire time. So, I told her thanks, I was glad I could drive again, too.
"It must be much easier getting around and doing things now" says Grapefruit.
"Yes, I hated those crutches. The animals were terrified of them!" I tell her with a laugh.
Grapefruit nods her head, and says in her most serious voice "I bet they were."
I am always baffled by her strangeness, so I have learned to ignore it and go on with what I was doing. I started getting the crutches out of my passenger side door.
"Do you need help carrying those crutches?" asks Grapefruit.
"No, I think I got them. Thanks. Have a good night."
"Why thank you, I will! You do the same."
You bet, Grapefruit. Freak.
Wild Animals in the Night
With crutches, you really learn to adapt. I have been letting my dog out the front door. I close the glass door, and stand in my foyer leaning on my crutches and holding his leash. This has worked fine during my injury.
One week after my injury, Ebeth came over to watch reality TV with me. When she left, I went to walk Bruiser. It was about 10:30pm and pretty dark. I did my routine to let him out, and he pulled over towards Grapefruit's yard. I let him pee there, but planned to pull him away if he started to shit (honest). Sure enough, I needed to pull him away. When I did, Bruiser managed to wrap his leash around one of Grapefruit's many decorative statues on her front porch and knock it over. It went flying and landed in 3 pieces directly in the center of our porches. I panicked and got Bruiser inside. I couldn't pick it up due to my temporary handicap. I notice this particular piece of art was plastic, and therefore not broken, just...not assembled. And laying 4 feet from its usual home.
The first thing I did when I got inside was to call Ebeth. She suggested I turn off my lights and act like I am not home. She also told me that maybe Grapefruit would think it was a wild animal.
The next morning, I was sitting on my couch in front of the window, when Grapefruit emerged. She walked over to crime scene and then just stood there and stared at it for 5 minutes. I texted Ebeth. She told me to maintain that no one was home. Grapefruit staring at the statue was creepy. It reminded me of the scene from Paranormal Activity where the girl gets out of bed and just stares at her husband for hours. Yikes. Next, Grapefruit assembles the statue and begins walking up and down the street looking for the culprit in people's yards. I guess she didn't have much luck, because she returned home after another 5 minutes.
In the days since this incident, I have noticed Grapefruit is taking precautions to ensure no other lawn art gets attacked. She is now leaving on her front, back, and carport lights all night, which she didn't do before. It's like she feels she was the victim of an old-person hate crime. And in my heart, I know if it was any other neighbor but her I would have knocked on the door and told them what had happened. For some reason, because it was Grapefruit, I see no reason for an explanation. I will let her to continue to imagine the terrors in the night, with a thirst for yard art.
One week after my injury, Ebeth came over to watch reality TV with me. When she left, I went to walk Bruiser. It was about 10:30pm and pretty dark. I did my routine to let him out, and he pulled over towards Grapefruit's yard. I let him pee there, but planned to pull him away if he started to shit (honest). Sure enough, I needed to pull him away. When I did, Bruiser managed to wrap his leash around one of Grapefruit's many decorative statues on her front porch and knock it over. It went flying and landed in 3 pieces directly in the center of our porches. I panicked and got Bruiser inside. I couldn't pick it up due to my temporary handicap. I notice this particular piece of art was plastic, and therefore not broken, just...not assembled. And laying 4 feet from its usual home.
The first thing I did when I got inside was to call Ebeth. She suggested I turn off my lights and act like I am not home. She also told me that maybe Grapefruit would think it was a wild animal.
The next morning, I was sitting on my couch in front of the window, when Grapefruit emerged. She walked over to crime scene and then just stood there and stared at it for 5 minutes. I texted Ebeth. She told me to maintain that no one was home. Grapefruit staring at the statue was creepy. It reminded me of the scene from Paranormal Activity where the girl gets out of bed and just stares at her husband for hours. Yikes. Next, Grapefruit assembles the statue and begins walking up and down the street looking for the culprit in people's yards. I guess she didn't have much luck, because she returned home after another 5 minutes.
In the days since this incident, I have noticed Grapefruit is taking precautions to ensure no other lawn art gets attacked. She is now leaving on her front, back, and carport lights all night, which she didn't do before. It's like she feels she was the victim of an old-person hate crime. And in my heart, I know if it was any other neighbor but her I would have knocked on the door and told them what had happened. For some reason, because it was Grapefruit, I see no reason for an explanation. I will let her to continue to imagine the terrors in the night, with a thirst for yard art.
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