My dear friend Ebeth, who made me write this blog, scolded me last week after I told her I saw Grapefruit and ran back inside. She told me to "do it for the blog". So last night, I go to walk my dog, and there she is. I took a deep breath, and walked up to her.
"Hello!" I say to her.
She says hello, and mentions how warm it is. I agree. Then it gets weird, as always.
"You know that ceramic planter I have on the front porch between our doors? You can use half of it. Helen always did."
This is a rectangular planter we are talking about. It's ugly, along with her other porch decorations. And Helen is apparently the old lady who used to live in my condo. I guess she and Grapefruit were BFF. The logistics of this are what really blows my mind. I can use half? So I plant shit in half of it, and water my half? Why don't I just buy my own planter? Stupid.
So I thank Grapefruit for this kind offer, and tell her I would let my sister know, since I have put her in charge of planting flowers in front of my house. I told her I wasn't sure if it would fit in her design plan.
"You don't garden?" The way she says it is like you would ask someone in disbelief, "You eat children?"
I tell her no. She assures me it just takes practice.
We stand around akwardly for a minute or so, waiting for our dogs to do their business. Grapefruit takes her jacket off her tweed pantsuit. "It's so hot. I wonder why it feels so hot?"
"Well, there's no breeze." I tell her.
This excites Grapefruit. "OH, there's NOT!" She must now think I am a genius.
Thankfully, Bruiser does his thing at this time and I tell her goodbye. Until next time, dear Grapefruit.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Old Lady Gaga
I hadn't seen Grapefruit Lady since right before Easter weekend. I knew she was going to Colorado for her grandson's wedding so I wasn't too concerned. It's not unusual for me to go weeks without seeing her when she's in town. Elderly people are a different breed, and on a completely different schedule. It's a fact.
Nearly a month after Easter, I came home from work feeling horrible. I changed into yoga pants and a over sized white t-shirt from a women's shooting event I went to promoting gun owner rights, sans bra. I was a hot mess. My plan was to walk my dog quick and get back on the couch. I should have known.
Out of nowhere, Grapefruit Lady and her equally ancient dog show up. She asks how I am, and I tell her I feel horrible, and I am about to go lay down. She ignores this and says "I've been gone, you know!". I tell her yes, and ask her how her grandson's wedding was. "It was fine. But then I went to Brazil!" she exclaims. Now it's getting interesting. A few months ago Grapefruit also went to Brazil. I live for stuff like this (I used to stare out of my window for hours at my other neighbors porch because I was convinced that they are hoarders. No conclusion on that yet.). What 80+ year old woman goes to Brazil that often? Is she in a drug ring? Part of a human trafficking job? I turn on my fake smile and (through my hacking coughs) tell her how lucky she is to travel that often, and asked her what she was doing there.
"I was recording an album".
"An album?"
"Yes. They put me up in a hotel and everything. It didn't even feel like work, it was so relaxing. They even took my picture for the album. I'm working on my biography now, for the children to read".
I am stunned. "I had no idea I was living next door to a superstar!"
Grapefruit Lady smiles. "Me either. You know, I sang 13 songs in Portuguese and 3 in English".
"You speak Portuguese?"
"Yes, I'm fluent".
Last year I went to Mexico. Not Brazil, but that's all I got. I have a mental picture of children scrounging and begging on the streets trying to save up enough money to get that new bad ass album from that old American woman. Then I think back to 3rd grade and me begging my parents for the new Ace of Base album so I wouldn't be the only kid without it. Not the same, is it?
I congratulated Grapefruit on her new found fame and told her to have a good night. As I walked away, she said "I'm sorry, what was your name again?". Forgetting the little people already.
Oh, and for those curious, I do not know Grapefruit Lady's real name. She's told me before, but I like Grapefruit Lady best.
Nearly a month after Easter, I came home from work feeling horrible. I changed into yoga pants and a over sized white t-shirt from a women's shooting event I went to promoting gun owner rights, sans bra. I was a hot mess. My plan was to walk my dog quick and get back on the couch. I should have known.
Out of nowhere, Grapefruit Lady and her equally ancient dog show up. She asks how I am, and I tell her I feel horrible, and I am about to go lay down. She ignores this and says "I've been gone, you know!". I tell her yes, and ask her how her grandson's wedding was. "It was fine. But then I went to Brazil!" she exclaims. Now it's getting interesting. A few months ago Grapefruit also went to Brazil. I live for stuff like this (I used to stare out of my window for hours at my other neighbors porch because I was convinced that they are hoarders. No conclusion on that yet.). What 80+ year old woman goes to Brazil that often? Is she in a drug ring? Part of a human trafficking job? I turn on my fake smile and (through my hacking coughs) tell her how lucky she is to travel that often, and asked her what she was doing there.
"I was recording an album".
"An album?"
"Yes. They put me up in a hotel and everything. It didn't even feel like work, it was so relaxing. They even took my picture for the album. I'm working on my biography now, for the children to read".
I am stunned. "I had no idea I was living next door to a superstar!"
Grapefruit Lady smiles. "Me either. You know, I sang 13 songs in Portuguese and 3 in English".
"You speak Portuguese?"
"Yes, I'm fluent".
Last year I went to Mexico. Not Brazil, but that's all I got. I have a mental picture of children scrounging and begging on the streets trying to save up enough money to get that new bad ass album from that old American woman. Then I think back to 3rd grade and me begging my parents for the new Ace of Base album so I wouldn't be the only kid without it. Not the same, is it?
I congratulated Grapefruit on her new found fame and told her to have a good night. As I walked away, she said "I'm sorry, what was your name again?". Forgetting the little people already.
Oh, and for those curious, I do not know Grapefruit Lady's real name. She's told me before, but I like Grapefruit Lady best.
Do Not Anger the Grapefruit
Grapefruit got pissed at me. It was terrifying. I was walking my dog and she tracked me down, like she usually does. Before saying hi, she begins telling me all about their Easter Sunday church services that her mega church has planned.
"Are you going to come?" she asks. But when she asks, it doesn't feel like asking, it's like demanding.
I stood my ground and told her I probably wasn't going to church services for Easter but if I do, it will be at my parent's church. Grapefruit Lady cocked her head and glared at me. Then she turned around and WALKED OFF without saying another word! Really?
I know she's like 80 something and I could totally take her, but I ran inside and locked my doors, just in case.
"Are you going to come?" she asks. But when she asks, it doesn't feel like asking, it's like demanding.
I stood my ground and told her I probably wasn't going to church services for Easter but if I do, it will be at my parent's church. Grapefruit Lady cocked her head and glared at me. Then she turned around and WALKED OFF without saying another word! Really?
I know she's like 80 something and I could totally take her, but I ran inside and locked my doors, just in case.
How Grapefruit got her Nickname
Grapefruit Lady is one of these people that when you see them and they spot you, you say, "Oh shit". You know they mean well, but the thought of having a conversation with them makes you want to stab yourself in the eye. The conversation is always about something you could care less about, and usually very one-sided- THEIR sided. Since moving next door and realizing this trait about her, I have done my best to avoid her. One time I went to walk my dog and when I opened the back fence, I noticed her walking out her back fence, and I literally turned around and went back inside. One of THOSE people. Everyone knows someone like it. It's like the person at work that when you see them coming towards you, you suddenly have to make an important phone call.
On this particular occasion, I was walking towards my place after walking my dog when she pulls up to her carport. She jumps out of her car and comes towards me with a potted flower. (Note: For being old, she can really chase your ass down).
"Look at my tulips! I got them at Kroger's! Aren't they lovely?"
I know nothing about plants. I watered a dead cactus for months. But I told her they were lovely. We had a neighborly conversation about how great it was that it was getting warm, the flowers, etc. I politely told her goodbye and to have a good night. It was the first warm day of the year and I had had a long day at work, so I went into the house and got my book and a beer and headed to my patio. To give a visual for this scene, I have a large patio on the back of my condo. I am separated from my neighbors from a 6 foot tall privacy fence. And it really is private. Or so I thought.
"Do you like grapefruit?" I heard from her side of the fence. I dropped my book and took a sip of beer. She had to be talking to her dog. So I ignored her and sat in silence. Then...
"Amanda!" she yells. I didn't know what to do so I asked yes. "Do you like grapefruit?". Odd, but I told her sure. "Come have some with me, come on!" she insisted.
I am baffled at this point and don't know what the hell to do. I picked up my dog and we walked through the carport to her porch. She comes out of her house carrying 2 grapefruits and 2 knives and invites me to sit at her table with her. Grapefruit Lady then tells me all about how she is going to Colorado for her grandson's wedding. Meantime, I am wondering if I have ever even ate a whole grapefruit before, and I am struggling to get it all down. Grapefruit Lady slurps down her grapefruit in about 2 minutes and says "Oh that was refreshing" and goes inside to get the dog's treats. When she went inside, I realized I was stuck there. I had a couple of options. I could throw my remaining grapefruit onto my porch, or I could throw it out to the carport, which was more risky, because I had to hope a dog, cat, or bird would come along before her and eat the evidence. I didn't want to be there but I didn't want to be rude. I am a southerner.
Before I could really weigh my options, Grapefruit Lady comes back outside.
"I love fruit". She tells me. "I always have some at my house."
"Oh". I have nothing left in me.
"Now that it's getting warmer out we can do this all the time!"
Can we really? Because I can't think of anything I would rather do with my afternoons.
"Do you want to go for a walk?". I thank her for this offer but tell her I'm tired.
At this point I have to say that when you offend Grapefruit Lady or say something she doesn't like, I've noticed she cocks her head and smiles and repeats what you say. Which is exactly what happened now.
I grabbed my dog and hauled ass off her porch, thanking her for the grapefruit. She reminded me she always has fruit.
My mom told me Grapefruit Lady's just lonely, but that's what happens when you scare people off with your craziness.
On this particular occasion, I was walking towards my place after walking my dog when she pulls up to her carport. She jumps out of her car and comes towards me with a potted flower. (Note: For being old, she can really chase your ass down).
"Look at my tulips! I got them at Kroger's! Aren't they lovely?"
I know nothing about plants. I watered a dead cactus for months. But I told her they were lovely. We had a neighborly conversation about how great it was that it was getting warm, the flowers, etc. I politely told her goodbye and to have a good night. It was the first warm day of the year and I had had a long day at work, so I went into the house and got my book and a beer and headed to my patio. To give a visual for this scene, I have a large patio on the back of my condo. I am separated from my neighbors from a 6 foot tall privacy fence. And it really is private. Or so I thought.
"Do you like grapefruit?" I heard from her side of the fence. I dropped my book and took a sip of beer. She had to be talking to her dog. So I ignored her and sat in silence. Then...
"Amanda!" she yells. I didn't know what to do so I asked yes. "Do you like grapefruit?". Odd, but I told her sure. "Come have some with me, come on!" she insisted.
I am baffled at this point and don't know what the hell to do. I picked up my dog and we walked through the carport to her porch. She comes out of her house carrying 2 grapefruits and 2 knives and invites me to sit at her table with her. Grapefruit Lady then tells me all about how she is going to Colorado for her grandson's wedding. Meantime, I am wondering if I have ever even ate a whole grapefruit before, and I am struggling to get it all down. Grapefruit Lady slurps down her grapefruit in about 2 minutes and says "Oh that was refreshing" and goes inside to get the dog's treats. When she went inside, I realized I was stuck there. I had a couple of options. I could throw my remaining grapefruit onto my porch, or I could throw it out to the carport, which was more risky, because I had to hope a dog, cat, or bird would come along before her and eat the evidence. I didn't want to be there but I didn't want to be rude. I am a southerner.
Before I could really weigh my options, Grapefruit Lady comes back outside.
"I love fruit". She tells me. "I always have some at my house."
"Oh". I have nothing left in me.
"Now that it's getting warmer out we can do this all the time!"
Can we really? Because I can't think of anything I would rather do with my afternoons.
"Do you want to go for a walk?". I thank her for this offer but tell her I'm tired.
At this point I have to say that when you offend Grapefruit Lady or say something she doesn't like, I've noticed she cocks her head and smiles and repeats what you say. Which is exactly what happened now.
I grabbed my dog and hauled ass off her porch, thanking her for the grapefruit. She reminded me she always has fruit.
My mom told me Grapefruit Lady's just lonely, but that's what happens when you scare people off with your craziness.
Tomato Plants, Singing, and Tramp Stamps
I bought my condo in August of 2009 and quickly realized I was the youngest homeowner in my 'hood...by about 50 years. Cadillacs, tomato plants, and ceramic lawn ornaments reign supreme. When I first moved in, my friend Kelly moved in with me. This is when we met The Grapefruit Lady (nickname came later).
The Grapefruit Lady attends one of those mega churches in my area. I don't have anything against people who attend mega churches, but personally, it's not my thing. One of the first questions Grapefruit Lady asked me was if I attended church. I answered honestly and told her no, not regularly, but when I do I attend a small church with my parents and I love it. She then told me about how great her church was and how I needed to go to it. Again, I politely told her about my parent's church. Grapefruit Bitch then goes on a ten minute rant about how wonderful her church is and even went as far as to detail the times of the many bible studies on Sunday mornings. "Do you like to sing?" she asked. "No, I really don't, not in public" was my response. This prompted her to try to recruit me to choir practice with her, and they had a concert coming up. I told her I would let my roommate know because she loves choirs.
I later found out Grapefruit had the same types of conversations with Kelly. Both of us listened politely then told her how excited our roommate would be about whatever event she was pushing. Kelly has suggested when Grapefruit goes into another rant about her church, I bend over and show her my large tramp stamp, which happens to be a cross. It's pretty tempting, but I don't want her dropping dead on my property. Too much work.
The Grapefruit Lady attends one of those mega churches in my area. I don't have anything against people who attend mega churches, but personally, it's not my thing. One of the first questions Grapefruit Lady asked me was if I attended church. I answered honestly and told her no, not regularly, but when I do I attend a small church with my parents and I love it. She then told me about how great her church was and how I needed to go to it. Again, I politely told her about my parent's church. Grapefruit Bitch then goes on a ten minute rant about how wonderful her church is and even went as far as to detail the times of the many bible studies on Sunday mornings. "Do you like to sing?" she asked. "No, I really don't, not in public" was my response. This prompted her to try to recruit me to choir practice with her, and they had a concert coming up. I told her I would let my roommate know because she loves choirs.
I later found out Grapefruit had the same types of conversations with Kelly. Both of us listened politely then told her how excited our roommate would be about whatever event she was pushing. Kelly has suggested when Grapefruit goes into another rant about her church, I bend over and show her my large tramp stamp, which happens to be a cross. It's pretty tempting, but I don't want her dropping dead on my property. Too much work.
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