I'm standing on my front porch face to face with my new neighbor for the first time. My dog is feeling me up. My neighbor has a bowl cut and has just blatantly caught me staring at her through the window. Things are good.
I'd like to note, when reading the Dragon Fruit Lady's dialog, please imagine a thick Asian/broken English voice. The kind of accent where the person gets pissed that you can't understand them, even though they are using an incorrect word or hell sometimes a made up word. Moving on.
DF: Yes, I move here, I move next door, to you? My name is io1erunhe9pghuwe5bgr (I don't know actually what she said, it was kind of a cross between Luna and Joanne).
Me: Yes, hi, I'm Amanda.
DF: Uh, you know Dish?
Me: What?
DF: You know, Dish! On the porch! For the TV!
Me: Oh, Dish Network! No, I don't have that, I don't know much about it.
DF: He said he come Monday he come then?
Me: If that's what he said, I guess he's coming tomorrow?
DF: Where the officer?
Me: What?
DF: You know, the officer! The officer!
Me: I don't know, I'm so sorry.
Dragon Fruit covers her eyes and starts mumbling "Oh dear, oh dear" to herself. I am officially freaked the fuck out and want to go inside. Then, as if she knew how to hit a nerve, she started up again.
DF: What you got, basic?
Bitch. Anyone who knows me knows I love me some television. I may not have the best set up, but I would NEVER have just basic! I have said numerous times I would rather miss some meals then give up my DVR (I seriously would). I even have 7 HBO channels, including in Latino! In your face, whore!
I hold it together and say through clenched teeth "I've got Comcast".
Dragon Fruit dismissively waves at me. "Oh, that same thing as Dish".
"It was nice meeting you, bye" I said and slipped inside and slammed the door.
What really throws me is how she came to MY house, and yelled at me about her cable. It doesn't say "Your friendly Dish neighborhood rep!" on my door (like I would do anything to remotely involve myself in the neighborhood). "What you got, basic?". The way she said it, it was so cruel, so mocking. And to say it's the same as Comcast? Is she high on some herbal tea? At least friends and family finally agreed that something had to be off. I'm apparently the only one who was tipped off on the crazy by the sprinting in a fur coat the day before. Dragon Fruit Lady was going to be much different than Grapefruit Lady.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Bowl Cut
The only way I found out I had a new neighbor is because I saw an SUV parked in Grapefruit's old carport and a shitload of empty boxes. I never once saw a moving truck or anyone at all, for that matter. The car was nice and I thought, maybe I have a normal neighbor! Maybe it will be like when I was in college and my neighbors were my age and we would sit outside and drink beers and listen to music and chat for hours. I watched like crazy for some sign of life to emerge from that home for about a week. Then one Saturday near Christmas, I saw my new neighbor.
We'd been having amazingly nice weather, and earlier in the day I had walked my dog in a long sleeved tshirt and jeans. Beautiful day. I'm in my living room when I hear the familiar sound of my next door neighbor's door opening. When Grapefruit lived there, that would be a sign for me to mute the TV and run into another room, but I wanted a look. I crept to the window, where I found a creature with a bowl cut wearing a huge white fur coat and carrying a large handbag running from the house and down the street. Odd. A few moments later, the person came running back with a handful of mail and ran into the home and closed the door. I sat pondering this. A bowl cut is not the most popular cut these days (though I did rock one in the 80's when I was 6).
As I am thinking about what kind of neighbor this is going to be, the SUV from the carport came hauling ass down the street and stops in front of our condos. Bowl cut gets out of the car, runs to their front door, stares at it, and takes off running down the street. I'm fucking baffled. The next thing I know, the SUV is speeding off.
I called my mother to tell her I was pretty sure my new neighbor was really really crazy, like mental ward crazy. My mom didn't think my examples of this crazy person sprinting up and down the street in a fur coat in 70 degree weather made her insane. I disagreed.
The next day was Sunday, and around 10am, I hear the door open and I peek out the side of the blinds. There's Bowl cut, and I can tell it's an Asian woman maybe in her 60's, and she is staring straight at me, so I slide off the couch and into the floor. (I am not that smooth). Then there was a knock at my door. The softest little knock that keeps going. I mean she is not letting up. I pick up Bruiser, who in a fit of excitement, manages to get his paw stuck in my tshirt and pull it down to a dangerously low point. I went with it and opened the door and stepped out for my first encounter with....
THE DRAGON FRUIT LADY.
We'd been having amazingly nice weather, and earlier in the day I had walked my dog in a long sleeved tshirt and jeans. Beautiful day. I'm in my living room when I hear the familiar sound of my next door neighbor's door opening. When Grapefruit lived there, that would be a sign for me to mute the TV and run into another room, but I wanted a look. I crept to the window, where I found a creature with a bowl cut wearing a huge white fur coat and carrying a large handbag running from the house and down the street. Odd. A few moments later, the person came running back with a handful of mail and ran into the home and closed the door. I sat pondering this. A bowl cut is not the most popular cut these days (though I did rock one in the 80's when I was 6).
As I am thinking about what kind of neighbor this is going to be, the SUV from the carport came hauling ass down the street and stops in front of our condos. Bowl cut gets out of the car, runs to their front door, stares at it, and takes off running down the street. I'm fucking baffled. The next thing I know, the SUV is speeding off.
I called my mother to tell her I was pretty sure my new neighbor was really really crazy, like mental ward crazy. My mom didn't think my examples of this crazy person sprinting up and down the street in a fur coat in 70 degree weather made her insane. I disagreed.
The next day was Sunday, and around 10am, I hear the door open and I peek out the side of the blinds. There's Bowl cut, and I can tell it's an Asian woman maybe in her 60's, and she is staring straight at me, so I slide off the couch and into the floor. (I am not that smooth). Then there was a knock at my door. The softest little knock that keeps going. I mean she is not letting up. I pick up Bruiser, who in a fit of excitement, manages to get his paw stuck in my tshirt and pull it down to a dangerously low point. I went with it and opened the door and stepped out for my first encounter with....
THE DRAGON FRUIT LADY.
Peace Out, G-fruit
Dearest Readers,
I'm sorry I have let you all down my not posting over the past 15 months. I read back over this blog and realized Grapefruit is out of her freaking mind. And also I have to fill everyone in on what all has happened in this time.
If you'll recall, Grapefruit decided to sell her condo. After more prodding, I found out she was moving into an assisted living facility. She is allowed to be "independent" until she falls or something I think. So Grapefruit proceeded to buy or rent or sell her soul or whatever you do to get into those ritzy raisin ranches. She also did not attempt to put her condo up for sale for almost 3 months after moving out, instead asking me every time she stalked me out if I knew anyone who was wanting to buy a condo. Last time I checked, Grapefruit, I work full time and am not a realtor. Plus we know she wasn't going to pay me shit, and I may look sweet, but I want a new kitchen.
After she had moved out, she continued coming by her old place daily to check the mail, make sure no one stole her lawn ornaments, and to check on me (just kidding!).
I got off work one day to find a huge work van parked in her carport, with her car parked in mine. I parked beside my apparent new roomie and she came hobbling off her porch telling me about how she had new floors and she was so sorry to park in my carport. I told her it was fine and congratulated her on the new flooring, and I'm sure said some bullshit about how it would help sell her home (not in this market!).
Grapefruit cocked her head and demanded "Do you want to see my floors?"
"Oh, well, ok."
Finally, I was going into Grapefruit's home! I followed her up to her back door, where there were 5 annoyed looking workers standing around, clearly waiting for their check so they could go.
"This is my friend and she asked if she could come over and see the new floors, she really wanted to see them" she told the men. They looked at me and we shared a knowing look- this woman's off her rocker. I walked into the kitchen to see the ugliest flooring one could pick. I of course complimented them like the liar I am, and was given the sample and item # so I could order some for my home. Score!
One of the workers then pointed at my shoes and said "You know, a woman in high heels on a new floor is like an elephant walking on the floor". I could only glare. Grapefruit put an arm in front of me and said to him "You put in the floors, they should be fine". I appreciated Grapefruit sticking up for me, but continued to walk on my tiptoes throughout the house.
The rest of the house was pretty boring. I was horrified to find the nice wood detailing throughout our homes had been painted over in an off white "to make it look better". She also replaced the parquet entry way flooring with linoleum, because "it makes more sense". The only decorative items were in the bathrooms- she wrapped these gigantic ribbons around the hand towels. I told her they were lovely (I am seriously a liar). Grapefruit soon put her condo on the market after that, and a mere 8 months later a SOLD sign appeared and then there was a new neighbor moving in...
I'm sorry I have let you all down my not posting over the past 15 months. I read back over this blog and realized Grapefruit is out of her freaking mind. And also I have to fill everyone in on what all has happened in this time.
If you'll recall, Grapefruit decided to sell her condo. After more prodding, I found out she was moving into an assisted living facility. She is allowed to be "independent" until she falls or something I think. So Grapefruit proceeded to buy or rent or sell her soul or whatever you do to get into those ritzy raisin ranches. She also did not attempt to put her condo up for sale for almost 3 months after moving out, instead asking me every time she stalked me out if I knew anyone who was wanting to buy a condo. Last time I checked, Grapefruit, I work full time and am not a realtor. Plus we know she wasn't going to pay me shit, and I may look sweet, but I want a new kitchen.
After she had moved out, she continued coming by her old place daily to check the mail, make sure no one stole her lawn ornaments, and to check on me (just kidding!).
I got off work one day to find a huge work van parked in her carport, with her car parked in mine. I parked beside my apparent new roomie and she came hobbling off her porch telling me about how she had new floors and she was so sorry to park in my carport. I told her it was fine and congratulated her on the new flooring, and I'm sure said some bullshit about how it would help sell her home (not in this market!).
Grapefruit cocked her head and demanded "Do you want to see my floors?"
"Oh, well, ok."
Finally, I was going into Grapefruit's home! I followed her up to her back door, where there were 5 annoyed looking workers standing around, clearly waiting for their check so they could go.
"This is my friend and she asked if she could come over and see the new floors, she really wanted to see them" she told the men. They looked at me and we shared a knowing look- this woman's off her rocker. I walked into the kitchen to see the ugliest flooring one could pick. I of course complimented them like the liar I am, and was given the sample and item # so I could order some for my home. Score!
One of the workers then pointed at my shoes and said "You know, a woman in high heels on a new floor is like an elephant walking on the floor". I could only glare. Grapefruit put an arm in front of me and said to him "You put in the floors, they should be fine". I appreciated Grapefruit sticking up for me, but continued to walk on my tiptoes throughout the house.
The rest of the house was pretty boring. I was horrified to find the nice wood detailing throughout our homes had been painted over in an off white "to make it look better". She also replaced the parquet entry way flooring with linoleum, because "it makes more sense". The only decorative items were in the bathrooms- she wrapped these gigantic ribbons around the hand towels. I told her they were lovely (I am seriously a liar). Grapefruit soon put her condo on the market after that, and a mere 8 months later a SOLD sign appeared and then there was a new neighbor moving in...
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