The Dragonfruit Lady

I'm standing on my front porch face to face with my new neighbor for the first time. My dog is feeling me up. My neighbor has a bowl cut and has just blatantly caught me staring at her through the window. Things are good.

I'd like to note, when reading the Dragon Fruit Lady's dialog, please imagine a thick Asian/broken English voice. The kind of accent where the person gets pissed that you can't understand them, even though they are using an incorrect word or hell sometimes a made up word. Moving on.

DF: Yes, I move here, I move next door, to you? My name is io1erunhe9pghuwe5bgr (I don't know actually what she said, it was kind of a cross between Luna and Joanne).
Me: Yes, hi, I'm Amanda.
DF: Uh, you know Dish?
Me: What?
DF: You know, Dish! On the porch! For the TV!
Me: Oh, Dish Network! No, I don't have that, I don't know much about it.
DF: He said he come Monday he come then?
Me: If that's what he said, I guess he's coming tomorrow?
DF: Where the officer?
Me: What?
DF: You know, the officer! The officer!
Me: I don't know, I'm so sorry.

Dragon Fruit covers her eyes and starts mumbling "Oh dear, oh dear" to herself. I am officially freaked the fuck out and want to go inside. Then, as if she knew how to hit a nerve, she started up again.

DF: What you got, basic?

Bitch. Anyone who knows me knows I love me some television. I may not have the best set up, but I would NEVER have just basic! I have said numerous times I would rather miss some meals then give up my DVR (I seriously would). I even have 7 HBO channels, including in Latino! In your face, whore!

I hold it together and say through clenched teeth "I've got Comcast".

Dragon Fruit dismissively waves at me. "Oh, that same thing as Dish".

"It was nice meeting you, bye" I said and slipped inside and slammed the door.

What really throws me is how she came to MY house, and yelled at me about her cable. It doesn't say "Your friendly Dish neighborhood rep!" on my door (like I would do anything to remotely involve myself in the neighborhood). "What you got, basic?". The way she said it, it was so cruel, so mocking. And to say it's the same as Comcast? Is she high on some herbal tea? At least friends and family finally agreed that something had to be off. I'm apparently the only one who was tipped off on the crazy by the sprinting in a fur coat the day before. Dragon Fruit Lady was going to be much different than Grapefruit Lady.