Death in the Hood

It finally felt like fall (unlike this freeze-warning bullshit that's been going on) and I was soaking it up on my walk with Bruiser this evening. Then I heard this off-key whistling, I think you know who that is. She came out of nowhere! Or maybe the side of the building, I don't know. Anyways, it was our dearest Grapefruit with Mr. L, who is the cutest little man who lives two doors down from me. He is precious and I want to hug him and have him make me lemonade and sit on his porch and listen to his war stories. That kind of cute.
We make the normal exciting neighbor talk ("The weather's great!" "They replaced the roofs on the condos across the street!"), and then Grapefruit tells me her dog is ill. I think she said this because he was running like hell from my dog who was trying to sniff his ass and she was trying to make me feel better about the rejection. Being the dork (nosey) person I am, I asked what was wrong.

G: Well he's got this raspy little cough.
Me: Did you take him to the vet?
G: Yes, they gave me medicine but I can't give it to him.
Me: Is it liquid or pills?
G: Liquid.
Me: Have you tried putting it in his food?
G: He won't let me.
Me: Oh, um, ok. Have you tried a dropper?
G: He's too strong. (The dog is about 12 lbs. and is 14 years old)
Me: Well Grapefruit your dog is fucked. (Just kidding!)

Grapefruit and Mr. L then began telling me about the previous people who occupied my home. They apparently rented from the person I bought from, and sounded like a lot of fun. For instance, one evening, the man who lived here got drunk and broke into several people's homes thinking they were his. This makes me feel like the Angel Neighbor.

To add more fun to the Previous Neighbors Game, Grapefruit and Mr. L then told me all about the people in my row of condos (there's 6 to a row) who used to live here. And died here. And they told me what order they died in. Which is information I did not really need to know. (Mine died 5 years ago, FYI.)

Grapefruit also said she is still planning on moving in December. I better get in more quality time!

Bye Bye Grapefruit?

When I got home from work the other night, Grapefruit and her friend were sitting in her carport. (I have yet to understand why all of the old people in my neighborhood enjoy sitting in their carports- I prefer my patio). I tried to go from my car to house as quickly as possible, but right when I opened the patio gate, Grapefruit said "Come meet my friend!". I was introduced to Louise, who is older then Grapefruit and who also lives in my 'hood.
Grapefruit asked "Do you know anyone who is looking to buy a condo?". I told her no, thinking she was trying to help Louise sell hers. But no.
"I think I am going to move so I will be putting my place up for sale" Grapefruit said.
Honestly, the first thought I had was how to continue the blog without its star. Not possible.
She went on to tell me about how she wanted to move closer to her daughter and into a 1 story condo. After some prodding, I found out her daughter lives 2 exits up on the interstate. I find it hard not to take her moving personal.
In my brightest fake smile, I tell her how sad I will be to lose such a great neighbor. This thrills G-Fruit, and she blushes and laughs. To comfort me, she assures me "I'll be here all the time! My church is right up the road so I can come visit a couple times a week!".
Hooray.

As We Should

After work one day last week, Grapefruit pounced on me. I had just pulled into my carport, and she waited in hers, head cocked and staring straight at me. As soon as I opened the door, she was beside me.
"Look, my CD is here!" Grapefruit thrust a CD case into my face. (she did not make any motions to actually hand it to me)
And there it was. The mystical CD. The cover art is pretty much what I expected. Grapefruit is smiling and holding a flower to her face. The rest of the cover is different shades of green, representing a leafy-like watercolor. I believe I did something similar in preschool.
Grapefruit then opened the CD. Like any proud artist, she had the lyrics to each of her songs inside. Every other page there was a new picture of Grapefruit, holding different flowers or branches or what have you.
After I made it safely into my house, I immediately called Ebeth, and we began scouring the Internet for a place where we could buy this treasure. We could not find it anywhere. When even Amazon doesn't sell a product, you know you're S.O.L.

A couple of days ago, my friend Jerry came over. He knows of the Grapefruit. I was on the phone with him when he was pulling up.
"Hey, I'm here, I'm pulling into your carport. There's Grapefruit. She's just staring at me."
"Yeah, she likes to stare. Just stare back. Or run."
"Nah, I'm gonna talk to her." And then he hung up the phone on me. For G-Fruit.
By the time I made it outside, Grapefruit and Jerry were best friends forever. They were side by side, looking at her CD artwork, talking and laughing, with Jerry occasionally throwing out a "Look at you girl!".
Grapefruit began explaining to Jerry how her CD was in Portuguese and English.
"My parents were missionaries so I grew up there. Then they wanted me to make a CD. You know, just singing the good Lord's praises. As we should."
"You go ahead, girl!"

Really?

Shit My Grapefruit Says

Lately, I have had random, brief encounters with Grapefruit. I decided to put these moments together, as to not disappoint my thousands of followers. You're welcome.





Grapefruit on the random rooster we can hear from the neighborhood behind us:

"It probably belongs to Mexicans."



Grapefruit on her husband passing away and me expressing my sympathy:

"It doesn't matter, he died 15 years ago."



Grapefruit on trying to con me into going to her mega church:

"I bet you like rodeos."



Grapefruit on taking out the trash:

"Look at me, I'm a trash lady!"



Grapefruit on her side business:

"I have some golf umbrellas in the back of my car for sale. I can fit 4 people under one."

The Walking Boot

I went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and was fitted with a walking boot and told I no longer have to use the crutches. I was ecstatic. I spent my entire 3 day 4th of July weekend on the couch, and I couldn't wait to be able to get out of the house and do stuff again.
I pulled into my carport just as Grapefruit was unloading groceries from her car. Let me just remind everyone Grapefruit has not seen me since before I broke my foot. When Grapefruit saw me she froze and just stared at me. I got out of the car and said hello.
"Hi Amanda. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, much better, especially now that I have this walking boot."
"Well, it sure is nice to see you driving again."
Really? I drove to work everyday last week. Oh, and I drove myself to the ER and home when I broke it. I have been driving the entire time. So, I told her thanks, I was glad I could drive again, too.
"It must be much easier getting around and doing things now" says Grapefruit.
"Yes, I hated those crutches. The animals were terrified of them!" I tell her with a laugh.
Grapefruit nods her head, and says in her most serious voice "I bet they were."
I am always baffled by her strangeness, so I have learned to ignore it and go on with what I was doing. I started getting the crutches out of my passenger side door.
"Do you need help carrying those crutches?" asks Grapefruit.
"No, I think I got them. Thanks. Have a good night."
"Why thank you, I will! You do the same."
You bet, Grapefruit. Freak.

Wild Animals in the Night

With crutches, you really learn to adapt. I have been letting my dog out the front door. I close the glass door, and stand in my foyer leaning on my crutches and holding his leash. This has worked fine during my injury.
One week after my injury, Ebeth came over to watch reality TV with me. When she left, I went to walk Bruiser. It was about 10:30pm and pretty dark. I did my routine to let him out, and he pulled over towards Grapefruit's yard. I let him pee there, but planned to pull him away if he started to shit (honest). Sure enough, I needed to pull him away. When I did, Bruiser managed to wrap his leash around one of Grapefruit's many decorative statues on her front porch and knock it over. It went flying and landed in 3 pieces directly in the center of our porches. I panicked and got Bruiser inside. I couldn't pick it up due to my temporary handicap. I notice this particular piece of art was plastic, and therefore not broken, just...not assembled. And laying 4 feet from its usual home.
The first thing I did when I got inside was to call Ebeth. She suggested I turn off my lights and act like I am not home. She also told me that maybe Grapefruit would think it was a wild animal.
The next morning, I was sitting on my couch in front of the window, when Grapefruit emerged. She walked over to crime scene and then just stood there and stared at it for 5 minutes. I texted Ebeth. She told me to maintain that no one was home. Grapefruit staring at the statue was creepy. It reminded me of the scene from Paranormal Activity where the girl gets out of bed and just stares at her husband for hours. Yikes. Next, Grapefruit assembles the statue and begins walking up and down the street looking for the culprit in people's yards. I guess she didn't have much luck, because she returned home after another 5 minutes.
In the days since this incident, I have noticed Grapefruit is taking precautions to ensure no other lawn art gets attacked. She is now leaving on her front, back, and carport lights all night, which she didn't do before. It's like she feels she was the victim of an old-person hate crime. And in my heart, I know if it was any other neighbor but her I would have knocked on the door and told them what had happened. For some reason, because it was Grapefruit, I see no reason for an explanation. I will let her to continue to imagine the terrors in the night, with a thirst for yard art.

No Home Baked Goods for Me

I have to set the back story of this first. This past week was my birthday week. To finish off the week, the day before my party at my house, I broke my foot and am now in crutches. Before the incident, Ebeth kept telling me she hoped that at my party we would run into Grapefruit. Our plan was to sit on my back patio and drink beer and wait her out, then when we heard her, we were going to pounce. The broken leg put a damper on that idea.
So this past Sunday morning, the day after my little party (where I got to sit on the couch with my leg propped up all night), my dog needed to go out. Due to my temporary handicap, I have to let him out the front door. Ebeth asked if I needed her to take him out, and I assured her I could do it and needed practice. I opened the front door and saw Grapefruit's dog. I think I said "Shit", because the next thing I knew Ebeth was right beside me asking me who's dog it was. I told her it was Grapefruit's, and she nearly knocked me off my crutches getting the leash out of my hands.
Ebeth ran Bruiser outside. I watched for a moment from the front door then got scared Grapefruit would see me so I hobbled to the couch. Ebeth described the magical meeting to me over breakfast.
Grapefruit began talking to Ebeth through the glass door. She said the only thing she could make out was something like "don't worry, I am watching him", talking about her dog roaming free. Grapefruit continued talking to Ebeth, and she said she just smiled, nodded, and laughed, but didn't understand. Grapefruit finally came out of the front door and asked Ebeth if she was my sister. Ebeth told her no, she was a friend and was helping me out because I broke my foot.
"Amanda didn't tell me she broke her foot!" said a very surprised Grapefruit.
She made this sound like we chat on the phone everyday. I see her every once in awhile. If I had seen her, she obviously would have noticed my crutches and wrapped foot.
Ebeth assured her it had just happened a couple of days before. Grapefruit began telling her how nice it was for her to help me out. Little did she know, Ebeth nearly knocked my ass to the ground in an attempt to see her.
Over breakfast, my sister and Ebeth also tried to convince me that Grapefruit was going to start coming to check on me, bake me cookies, etc. I told them this was absolutely not going to happen- Grapefruit is very stuck in her own world, and is too busy pretending she is a recording artist. Hell, she probably doesn't even remember she was told I broke my foot. It has been almost 3 days since Ebeth met Grapefruit, and just as I said, she has not tried to check on me or bring me Grapefruit salad or anything. Don't worry about me Grapefruit, I'll be just fine.

In The Garden

I went to walk Bruiser the other night, and to my delight, Grapefruit was sitting in her carport with another elderly neighbor. After Bruiser did his business, Grapefruit waved me over. She told me she had just gotten word that her CD is available to buy. I immediately asked her where I could purchase it. She gave me the name of a website, and asked if I remembered that. I repeated it right back to her. She told me she was impressed. Little does she know I have been anxiously awaiting this, and was hoping to get it in time for my birthday party. She told me she would be getting some copies too, but they were for family and friends. I guess I am not a friend.
Grapefruit then told me her stage name (she called it her "performing name"). It was her maiden name or something as her last name. I expected more out of her, really. She also told me the name of the album, which she said translates into something like, In a Garden. I told her that was lovely. She reminded me a lot of the album was in Portuguese, so if I needed help with the translation, I was welcome to just knock on her door or look her up in the neighborhood directory. (note- reasons like this are why I refused to put my number in the directory).
Grapefruit then told me she would probably have to go back to Brazil soon. I asked why. "Well, to sign autographs and to put on performances, of course!". Of course.
As soon as I got in, I tried to look up the website to order my copy of Grapefruit's debut CD. The website was incorrect. I am not sure if she didn't know the right website, or if this is another lie. Oh, Grapefruit....

Summer Concert Series

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my living room watching Dancing with the Stars. I kept hearing this weird noise, but figured it was the song on the TV the stars were dancing too. But the song ended and the show cut to commercial, and I still heard the noise. I muted my TV, and the noise became louder and worse. I ran upstairs to check on my cat and dog, they were both fine. I then started checking out my whole condo, terrified of what could be happening.
I heard some neighborhood dogs start barking, so I figured the noise was coming from outside. I peeked cautiously out the front blinds, and then I saw it.
Grapefruit Lady had set up a director's chair on the front porch and was singing. To the neighborhood. At 8:30pm. On a Tuesday evening.
I immediately ran upstairs to my guest room to see if I could get a better visual. I could not, because trust me, there would be a picture on this site if I could have. I can't tell if she sings in English or Portuguese. And I definitely could NOT tell what song she was singing. For someone who "recorded an album", it was pretty damn bad. I mean, I thought my animals were in danger.
She set the chair up again the next night, but the concert was rained out. I haven't heard her sing again, but I like to think it will be a nightly summertime event. One can hope.

You Can Have Half

My dear friend Ebeth, who made me write this blog, scolded me last week after I told her I saw Grapefruit and ran back inside. She told me to "do it for the blog". So last night, I go to walk my dog, and there she is. I took a deep breath, and walked up to her.

"Hello!" I say to her.
She says hello, and mentions how warm it is. I agree. Then it gets weird, as always.
"You know that ceramic planter I have on the front porch between our doors? You can use half of it. Helen always did."
This is a rectangular planter we are talking about. It's ugly, along with her other porch decorations. And Helen is apparently the old lady who used to live in my condo. I guess she and Grapefruit were BFF. The logistics of this are what really blows my mind. I can use half? So I plant shit in half of it, and water my half? Why don't I just buy my own planter? Stupid.

So I thank Grapefruit for this kind offer, and tell her I would let my sister know, since I have put her in charge of planting flowers in front of my house. I told her I wasn't sure if it would fit in her design plan.
"You don't garden?" The way she says it is like you would ask someone in disbelief, "You eat children?"
I tell her no. She assures me it just takes practice.

We stand around akwardly for a minute or so, waiting for our dogs to do their business. Grapefruit takes her jacket off her tweed pantsuit. "It's so hot. I wonder why it feels so hot?"
"Well, there's no breeze." I tell her.
This excites Grapefruit. "OH, there's NOT!" She must now think I am a genius.

Thankfully, Bruiser does his thing at this time and I tell her goodbye. Until next time, dear Grapefruit.

Old Lady Gaga

I hadn't seen Grapefruit Lady since right before Easter weekend. I knew she was going to Colorado for her grandson's wedding so I wasn't too concerned. It's not unusual for me to go weeks without seeing her when she's in town. Elderly people are a different breed, and on a completely different schedule. It's a fact.

Nearly a month after Easter, I came home from work feeling horrible. I changed into yoga pants and a over sized white t-shirt from a women's shooting event I went to promoting gun owner rights, sans bra. I was a hot mess. My plan was to walk my dog quick and get back on the couch. I should have known.

Out of nowhere, Grapefruit Lady and her equally ancient dog show up. She asks how I am, and I tell her I feel horrible, and I am about to go lay down. She ignores this and says "I've been gone, you know!". I tell her yes, and ask her how her grandson's wedding was. "It was fine. But then I went to Brazil!" she exclaims. Now it's getting interesting. A few months ago Grapefruit also went to Brazil. I live for stuff like this (I used to stare out of my window for hours at my other neighbors porch because I was convinced that they are hoarders. No conclusion on that yet.). What 80+ year old woman goes to Brazil that often? Is she in a drug ring? Part of a human trafficking job? I turn on my fake smile and (through my hacking coughs) tell her how lucky she is to travel that often, and asked her what she was doing there.
"I was recording an album".
"An album?"
"Yes. They put me up in a hotel and everything. It didn't even feel like work, it was so relaxing. They even took my picture for the album. I'm working on my biography now, for the children to read".
I am stunned. "I had no idea I was living next door to a superstar!"
Grapefruit Lady smiles. "Me either. You know, I sang 13 songs in Portuguese and 3 in English".
"You speak Portuguese?"
"Yes, I'm fluent".

Last year I went to Mexico. Not Brazil, but that's all I got. I have a mental picture of children scrounging and begging on the streets trying to save up enough money to get that new bad ass album from that old American woman. Then I think back to 3rd grade and me begging my parents for the new Ace of Base album so I wouldn't be the only kid without it. Not the same, is it?

I congratulated Grapefruit on her new found fame and told her to have a good night. As I walked away, she said "I'm sorry, what was your name again?". Forgetting the little people already.

Oh, and for those curious, I do not know Grapefruit Lady's real name. She's told me before, but I like Grapefruit Lady best.

Do Not Anger the Grapefruit

Grapefruit got pissed at me. It was terrifying. I was walking my dog and she tracked me down, like she usually does. Before saying hi, she begins telling me all about their Easter Sunday church services that her mega church has planned.
"Are you going to come?" she asks. But when she asks, it doesn't feel like asking, it's like demanding.
I stood my ground and told her I probably wasn't going to church services for Easter but if I do, it will be at my parent's church. Grapefruit Lady cocked her head and glared at me. Then she turned around and WALKED OFF without saying another word! Really?

I know she's like 80 something and I could totally take her, but I ran inside and locked my doors, just in case.

How Grapefruit got her Nickname

Grapefruit Lady is one of these people that when you see them and they spot you, you say, "Oh shit". You know they mean well, but the thought of having a conversation with them makes you want to stab yourself in the eye. The conversation is always about something you could care less about, and usually very one-sided- THEIR sided. Since moving next door and realizing this trait about her, I have done my best to avoid her. One time I went to walk my dog and when I opened the back fence, I noticed her walking out her back fence, and I literally turned around and went back inside. One of THOSE people. Everyone knows someone like it. It's like the person at work that when you see them coming towards you, you suddenly have to make an important phone call.

On this particular occasion, I was walking towards my place after walking my dog when she pulls up to her carport. She jumps out of her car and comes towards me with a potted flower. (Note: For being old, she can really chase your ass down).
"Look at my tulips! I got them at Kroger's! Aren't they lovely?"
I know nothing about plants. I watered a dead cactus for months. But I told her they were lovely. We had a neighborly conversation about how great it was that it was getting warm, the flowers, etc. I politely told her goodbye and to have a good night. It was the first warm day of the year and I had had a long day at work, so I went into the house and got my book and a beer and headed to my patio. To give a visual for this scene, I have a large patio on the back of my condo. I am separated from my neighbors from a 6 foot tall privacy fence. And it really is private. Or so I thought.
"Do you like grapefruit?" I heard from her side of the fence. I dropped my book and took a sip of beer. She had to be talking to her dog. So I ignored her and sat in silence. Then...
"Amanda!" she yells. I didn't know what to do so I asked yes. "Do you like grapefruit?". Odd, but I told her sure. "Come have some with me, come on!" she insisted.

I am baffled at this point and don't know what the hell to do. I picked up my dog and we walked through the carport to her porch. She comes out of her house carrying 2 grapefruits and 2 knives and invites me to sit at her table with her. Grapefruit Lady then tells me all about how she is going to Colorado for her grandson's wedding. Meantime, I am wondering if I have ever even ate a whole grapefruit before, and I am struggling to get it all down. Grapefruit Lady slurps down her grapefruit in about 2 minutes and says "Oh that was refreshing" and goes inside to get the dog's treats. When she went inside, I realized I was stuck there. I had a couple of options. I could throw my remaining grapefruit onto my porch, or I could throw it out to the carport, which was more risky, because I had to hope a dog, cat, or bird would come along before her and eat the evidence. I didn't want to be there but I didn't want to be rude. I am a southerner.

Before I could really weigh my options, Grapefruit Lady comes back outside.
"I love fruit". She tells me. "I always have some at my house."
"Oh". I have nothing left in me.
"Now that it's getting warmer out we can do this all the time!"
Can we really? Because I can't think of anything I would rather do with my afternoons.
"Do you want to go for a walk?". I thank her for this offer but tell her I'm tired.
At this point I have to say that when you offend Grapefruit Lady or say something she doesn't like, I've noticed she cocks her head and smiles and repeats what you say. Which is exactly what happened now.
I grabbed my dog and hauled ass off her porch, thanking her for the grapefruit. She reminded me she always has fruit.

My mom told me Grapefruit Lady's just lonely, but that's what happens when you scare people off with your craziness.

Tomato Plants, Singing, and Tramp Stamps

I bought my condo in August of 2009 and quickly realized I was the youngest homeowner in my 'hood...by about 50 years. Cadillacs, tomato plants, and ceramic lawn ornaments reign supreme. When I first moved in, my friend Kelly moved in with me. This is when we met The Grapefruit Lady (nickname came later).

The Grapefruit Lady attends one of those mega churches in my area. I don't have anything against people who attend mega churches, but personally, it's not my thing. One of the first questions Grapefruit Lady asked me was if I attended church. I answered honestly and told her no, not regularly, but when I do I attend a small church with my parents and I love it. She then told me about how great her church was and how I needed to go to it. Again, I politely told her about my parent's church. Grapefruit Bitch then goes on a ten minute rant about how wonderful her church is and even went as far as to detail the times of the many bible studies on Sunday mornings. "Do you like to sing?" she asked. "No, I really don't, not in public" was my response. This prompted her to try to recruit me to choir practice with her, and they had a concert coming up. I told her I would let my roommate know because she loves choirs.

I later found out Grapefruit had the same types of conversations with Kelly. Both of us listened politely then told her how excited our roommate would be about whatever event she was pushing. Kelly has suggested when Grapefruit goes into another rant about her church, I bend over and show her my large tramp stamp, which happens to be a cross. It's pretty tempting, but I don't want her dropping dead on my property. Too much work.